“Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for mine will find it.”

-Mt 16:24-25

Deny myself? That doesn’t sound fun.

Take up my cross? What cross? I’ve been nothing but blessed. Hasn’t my life been easy? Even privileged?

And follow? I thought I was following Jesus. How far does he want me to follow Him?

Lose my life!? I like the life I’m living. It seems predictable and comfortable.

Find new life? Now that sounds downright scary! Make this be my prayer: Jesus, I trust in you!

I never understood the true meaning of this Gospel passage until I was confronted with the cross which changed my life, the cross of infertility.

I’ve always wanted to be a mother. Ever since I was just a girl, this was my heart’s desire. I may have dreamt more of being a mother than of my wedding day. For me, it has been innate, embedded in my life’s calling. I cannot fully put into words the depth of my longing to conceive, give birth to, and hold the child that is of the image and likeness of myself and my husband, Dan. To carry a new life in my own womb would be nothing short of a miracle.

For Dan and me, this has not happened and it has been painful.

Early in the journey of infertility, amid my fears, I found myself sitting at the foot of the Cross. When I dared to look up, I heard the Crucified Jesus speak directly to me, “I thirst.” I realized that the Lord was, and still is, thirsting for me to unite myself with Him more deeply and to trust in Him like never before. This was not going to be easy. He was inviting me to pick up the heavy cross of infertility and literally walk alongside Him through the streets to Calvary.

My experience of infertility has only been a pinprick compared the agony our Lord endured. Yet in my darkest moments, images of our Lord falling under the weight of the Cross have flashed through my mind and pierced my soul.

Bear with me as I share parts of my feeble attempt to follow our Lord in His Passion through my own sorrows of infertility.  

The Beginning

God has a way of looking out for His people and there are a handful of times in my life when I have been convicted of His providence. One such instance was at the end of 2016 when Dan and I met Dr. Casey Delcoco at our marriage preparation retreat at a local church. It was no coincidence that she would not only become our doctor, but also like a “Simon of Cyrene” for us.

At the retreat, Dr. Delcoco offered a brief education to engaged couples on the value of pro-life Catholic medicine. She also shared about her own private practice, Magnificat Family Medicine. It was there that we also had a glimpse into her work as an obstetrician-gynecologist certified in Natural Procreative Technology (NaProTECHNOLOGY), a woman’s health science aimed at identifying the root causes of infertility and providing an evidence-based treatment plan for restoring the woman’s fertility. Unlike mainstream “fertility-control” based approaches, this one was truly presented as “fertility-care” based. We immediately gained a great respect for Dr. Delcoco’s knowledge and the authenticity offered by this specialized approach.

Soon after our wedding in early 2017, the Holy Spirit must have been tugging. We set up appointments at Magnificat Family Medicine. We simply wanted to make sure we were on a healthy track to conceive. We had no idea what we were in for.

Jesus takes up His Cross

When I reflect back on the summer of 2017, I imagine Jesus taking up his cross. For Dan and me, this was the beginning of taking up our cross of infertility. This was when we discovered that our path to growing our family would look a little different than we expected.  

A simple blood draw revealed that my progesterone and thyroid hormones were in no place to support a healthy conception and pregnancy. I remember the shocking disappointment in this news because up until that point, I thought I was the picture of perfect health. I viewed myself as a healthy eater. I was never overweight. I was an avid runner. How could this be that my hormones were out of whack? And why now, when I am ready to grow my family?!

The next several months entailed many more blood draws, follow-up appointments, adjustments and re-adjustments to dosage levels of hormone medications. I met with a Creighton Model Fertility Care Practitioner and began charting my cycles. It was eye-opening to learn about my reproductive health in such an objective way. I started to become an advocate of my own health and fertility. It was like learning one of the best secrets of my womanhood.

This was also a year of many tears at the months gone by with no sign of a pregnancy. The struggle felt real and raw. Over a year had gone by and my hormones were improving, but still needing lots of monitoring. Dr. Delcoco suggested I get tested for the MTHFR gene. Turns out I was positive for two copies of the unfortunate genetic mutation (MTHFR) which negatively affects fertility and general health and contributes to a host of autoimmune conditions.

Dr. Delcoco also suggested taking a closer look at Dan’s health and fertility. Dan was ready and willing to be an active participant in the process. Subsequently, we learned that Dan did indeed have male factor infertility and MTHFR himself. This news felt like a double blow at the time, but also a relief to have more answers. We also felt appreciative that the doctor was addressing not only my issues, but Dan’s as well.

With our new findings, the addition of all the new supplements, medications, and dietary recommendations made it all very overwhelming for us both, but we were up for the challenge. We were truly “in this together,” not carrying the burden separately.

And then, the real kicker. Dr. Delcoco suspected I had endometriosis. My heart dropped . . .

Stay tuned for Part II of our story.

My aim for this blog is to share my faith and love for God which has been transformed and grown more fruitful – not in spite of, but because of my infertility. I hope to share resources for those carrying a similar cross and to build a community for those who have received abundant graces because of their suffering, whether through infertility or some other cross. I pray my writings may inspire not just the infertile, but everyone who seeks to grow closer to God through the hardships of life.