Jesus falls for the first time

I will never forget when Dr. Delcoco told us she suspected I may have endometriosis. My heart dropped.

Tears streamed down my face as Dr. Delcoco handed me a tissue. The cross of infertility began to feel especially heavy. Up to that point, I thought I had it under control and was strong enough to hold the wooden beam up on my own. In my grief, I pictured Jesus falling to the ground under the weight of his Cross. I too felt myself falling under the weight of mine (of ours- it’s Dan’s cross too) for the first time.  

I did not want to hear the word “endometriosis.” The doctor proceeded to tell us that endometriosis is a mysterious condition in which endometrial-type tissue, instead of bleeding out like a normal period, grows outside of the uterus and sometimes into the fallopian tubes and on the ovaries and other parts of the pelvis. It is an inflammatory disease and it may be one of the biggest causes of my infertility.

Up until this point, I had myself convinced endometriosis was a problem that other women had, not me. The only way to find out was through exploratory laparoscopic surgery. Dan asked, “If you were us, what would you do?” The answer was clear. She referred us to Dr. Chris Stroud (of Fertility and Midwifery Care Center), a NaProTECHNOLOGY-certified surgeon in Fort Wayne, Indiana. He was the top surgeon she referred her patients to and perhaps the only gynecological surgeon in the state of Indiana at that time who was trained in the robotic, minimally-invasive, and highly successful surgical technique to remove endometriosis.

In October of 2018, I had my first surgery which did in fact confirm a formal diagnosis of endometriosis. Thankfully, Dr. Stroud was able to remove all of it. We were told our chances for conceiving were most in our favor within the first one to two years following surgery before the endometriosis had a chance to grow back. I had read many success stories confirming this. Maybe we could be a success story ourselves?

With the removal of my endometriosis, we had great reason to hope again! Things were also looking up for the fact that Dan’s numbers were improving.

Not so fast…

Six months had gone by since the surgery, although it had felt like an eternity. It had been 2 years since we were married. I went to the next of many “never-ending” follow up appointments to review my most recent hormone labs.

Call me naïve, or glass half full, but I was ready to hear good news about my health and fertility. Instead, the physician’s assistant told me that my estrogen levels were too low to support a healthy ovulation and I would have to start yet another medication to help boost both my estrogen and progesterone levels.

This may have seemed like a minor issue in the grand scheme of things, but for me it was devastating and triggered me deeply in that moment. I thought I had it all under control.

But I was wrong. I felt myself falling again.

Jesus falls for the second time

I lost it. The wood of the cross was slipping out of my hands. Tears came streaming down, the sloppy, sobbing kind. I realized how much I was holding in, repressing. Knees buckling, I pictured Jesus exhausted and falling again under the weight of the wood. Not for lack of strength. Not for lack of willpower. But because sometimes the weight of the cross is simply too heavy to stay upright on the shoulders of a mere human being.

In that moment, in my humiliation, the physician’s assistant was like Veronica who wiped Jesus’ tears at the sixth Station. She looked at me and said with deep compassion, “You are tired, this is too much for you to carry.” She saw me in my suffering and consoled me with a prayer. I will never forget that moment along the journey.

Several months went by and it seemed we were doing all the “right things”. Dan and I were knee-deep in more aggressive treatments offered by NaProTECHNOLOGY. We were each prescribed costly HCG injections to boost the fertility hormones in both of our bodies. The more invested we were with our money, the more vulnerable we became with our emotions. We had so much hope, and yet we were both under incredible stress with what was becoming an emotional roller coaster.  

Many people run away from God during dark times. Oddly enough, I like to think we ran straight toward Him. We clung to prayer. We asked the saints for intercession. We prayed various novenas. One such novena was the 54-day rosary novena in which I prayed the rosary more fervently than I ever imagined I could.

Though my prayers for a miracle pregnancy did not come to fruition, for the first time in my life I allowed Mary to really become my spiritual mother as Jesus had always invited me to. I made a Marian consecration and became devoted to the Mother of Christ. She truly became my own Heavenly Mother.

Several of our family and friends became more Simons of Cyrene as they prayed for us and supported us. We felt their love and prayers, and still do.

In the midst of my prayers for a baby, I began to see many of the prayers I said for others being answered.

The fruits of our suffering were starting to show and we started to see how God’s graces may be at work. Our conversations slowly started shifting from fertility treatments to the idea that maybe God was writing a different story for our lives, a story no less fruitful than the family with multiple children. A story all our own.

Yet maybe the story God would pen would be better than the one we initially wanted to write for ourselves?

Dan and I started to ever so slightly loosen our tight grip on the reins of control . . .

Come back for Part III (but not the conclusion!) to our story.

Do you let God write your story? Or do grasp for your own will? Do you invite Him into the wounded places in your soul? God invites you to surrender and let Him in. After all, he is the Author of Life. We ought to let Him into ours.