Over two years had gone by since my endometriosis surgery and our “window of time” that we expected to conceive had passed with no sign of a positive pregnancy test. An ultrasound revealed something abnormal.

That’s when we got the next blow. Dr. Delcoco suspected my endometriosis had returned. She referred us back to Dr. Stroud for round two of surgery.

Jesus falls for the third time

That day stood out as a day that Jesus and Mary felt especially near to us. It was December of 2020 and it was the Feast Day of the Immaculate Conception.

While I laid on the exam table in the tiny ultrasound room, I remember the burst of emotion that erupted as I looked at my empty womb on the screen. I thought about how for most women, an ultrasound appointment is a joyful occasion to peer into the new life of her baby, kicking and moving. Oh, how I wanted to see a little life on that screen!

In the very next moment, I was immediately comforted by a painting on the wall to my left of the Blessed Mother, pregnant with the Incarnate Son of God, my Lord and Savior. In the image, Mary’s womb was radiating and her face was full of joy. I knew in that moment that my Blessed Mother was interceding and that Jesus was present, never leaving my side.

Later that evening after my appointment, Dan and I went to Mass for the Solemnity of Mary’s Immaculate Conception. The gospel message came alive when we heard Mary say: “Let it be done to me according to Your Will.” I felt comforted by her proclamation of faith and trust.

In my distraught state of disbelief at the prospect of another surgery, Dan said with his usual confidence, “Let’s do it.” We took another leap of faith.

I had my second surgery in May of 2021. While I was lying on the table in the recovery room, I saw Dr. Stroud through my groggy eyes. He approached me with genuine compassion and confirmed what I had feared. The endometriosis had returned.

This was a mix of both good and bad news. The good news: He was able to successfully remove all of the endometriosis, yet again. The bad news: I am no fool; Endometriosis is a recurrent autoimmune disease in which there is currently no permanent cure and, in combination with Dan’s infertility, may continue to limit our chances at becoming biological parents. A hard pill to swallow.

The second surgery led us down of a path of acceptance. It was a relief to get an answer as to why we were still struggling to grow our family. We felt validated that it wasn’t “our fault.”

It dawned on me that the writing was always on the wall. I experienced so many years of painful periods which I suffered in silence because I was convinced it was “normal.” I could now officially give it a name.

Recurrent endometriosis, hormone deficiencies, Dan’s male factor infertility, the MTHFR gene. Our efforts to conceive had not come to fruition because we were up against a monster of issues.

In the months that followed, we attempted to maximize our chances at conception with the knowledge that the endometriosis was freshly removed. Under our doctor’s guidance, this included in-office follicle scans to predict ovulation, trigger shots to then facilitate ovulation, hormone injections for the both of us to maximize our fertility, along with a host of other supplements and medications.

We tried, and we tried some more.

This was a time period that led to a certain dying to self. Ultimately, we realized that we needed to surrender it all to God.  

Jesus was crucified

Venerable Fulton J. Sheen once said, “Unless there is a Good Friday in your life, there can be no Easter Sunday.”

So what is our Easter Sunday? While we do not have evidence of children to show, Dan and I have received so many graces from God. We have been healed in many ways in our physical and spiritual health. My hormones are better balanced. My endometriosis symptoms are significantly less severe thanks to the science of NaProTECHNOLOGY. We are not perfect (and will never claim to be!), but we take better care of our nutrition, exercise, and sleep.

Dan and I have received spiritual healing in ways we never knew we needed. We have embraced the Sacraments, especially those of Confession, Holy Communion, and the intimacy of what Holy Matrimony really means. We are a work in progress and we are stumbling quite a bit along the way, but God has used this time of waiting to change our hearts and draw us closer to Him.

Dan and I are learning to suffer well together. We have embraced the beauty of the Church’s teachings on marriage and sexuality. We are learning to genuinely pray together as a couple. Although we are falling a lot along the way, we are growing slowly in humility, patience, and the love of God.

Dan and I are praying to discern where God is leading our small family of two. We know that God’s plans are different for us, but they are still good. We would gladly accept others’ prayers not just for a baby, but to grow in charity, love, and openness to God’s will.

At the end of the day, we will not know the real fullness of this “Easter Sunday” this side of heaven, but that is true for every person, whether one is childless or not.

I’ve learned this much . . . God does not guarantee us a baby. What He does guarantee us is that if we pick up our cross and follow Him, we will find new life. We will find Him.