When the parish of St. Elizabeth Seton Catholic Church installed a new crucifix above the altar several years ago, there was a lot of controversy.

“It’s too gory.” “It’s too bloody and violent.” “Kids shouldn’t see Jesus like that.” “It’s not pretty to look at.”

I don’t completely disagree. The passion and death of our Lord was gruesome. The crucifixion was brutal, no doubt. But do you know what else it was? Sacrificial love, at its finest.

What no one told me before my wedding day was that marriage, when lived out in the fullness of the holy sacrament, would look a whole lot like the bloody Crucifixion. I may not be coming at my husband with a hammer and nails (thank God!), but we did vow on our wedding day to love and honor each other in sickness and in health and in good times and in bad…

St. Augustine described the cross as “the marriage bed in which Christ united himself with his bride, the Church.”

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the Church and handed himself over for her to sanctify her” (Ephesians 5:25-26).

Husbands are called to give 100% of themselves, not just the cliche 50/50. Married men are called to the holy heights of charity. They are implored to be like Christ whose leadership was demonstrated when he literally washed his disciples’ dirty feet.“The Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve… (Matthew 20:28).

When men embrace this level of humility in marriage, they are equipped with graces that can only come from God — graces that empower men to lead and serve their families on the path to sanctity, to heaven.

And wives, we find ourselves alongside Mary as we stand with her at the foot of the Cross and peer upon Christ’s sacred heart. We humble ourselves, too.

“Wives should submit to their husbands as to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22).

The world will tell you that a woman submitting to her husband is archaic, domineering, and even unfair. But the world gets it all wrong. Submission, within the divine vocation of marriage, means to be ‘under mission.’ And since when was it unromantic to be ‘under the mission’ of a holy and virtuous husband whose anchor is the Lord?

A man leading his wife and family with a mission to follow God’s will is a man living counter-culturally different. Ultimately, he is a man who has submitted himself to God and inspires his wife to follow him on the path.

The wife who seeks to surrender her life to God takes a faithful leap. She is an ever-present guide to her husband as she encourages him with her own feminine wisdom and insight. She magnifies the light of Christ as she nurtures the husband and the home. A prayerful wife is especially powerful.

Together the two shall“be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). Marriages like this are possible and the fruits are abundant.“Give and gifts will be given to you; a good measure, packed together, shaken down, and overflowing, will be poured into your lap” (Luke 6:38).

According to the American Psychological Association, 40-50% of first marriages end in divorce; the rate is even higher for second marriages. This makes me wonder: Do husbands and wives place the other first? Do they seek to imitate Christ, the bridegroom and his bride, the Church?

Marriage, for me, has not been perfect. Marriage has exposed not only my human weaknesses, but also my selfishness and sinfulness. Married life has cracked me wide open and made me vulnerable as I have become painfully aware of the vices I harbor and the virtues I lack. The shortcomings between me and my husband have been stumbling blocks to spiritual growth. But then – patience and reconciliation; we pick each other back up again.

One of my patients asked me if I was recently engaged as she admired my ring. I told her, “No, it’s been six and half years,” and with a glimmer, added, “but it’s getting better everyday; I love him more than I loved him then.”

And it’s true – because marriage has purified and refined me, chiseling away at the stony spots in my heart. Marriage has taken me through Calvary again and again – because marriage is a crucifixion.

So if the bloody crucifix makes you cringe, refrain yourself from looking away. Instead, step a little closer and embrace the Cross of Christ Crucified for all it’s worth – because as St. Teresa of Calcutta once said, “Love to be real, it must cost. It must hurt. It must empty us of self.”